It was just over one week ago that I left the person who made me feel more alive than I have in years. KJ. I had nearly a week of having my hairs stand on end, of feeling tingly all over, of having my heart soar and heavily thud thud thud as I neared the end of every day knowing that I was going to see him that night.
I was so turned on and touched him constantly during our times together. I felt like I had never been so tactile before. I felt like my palms might get calloused from touching him so much.
Of course I wanted to do more than to touch him. How could I not? But there was an invisible line between us. One which I was ready to step over the moment I saw him for the first time in over a year, but one that he didn’t seem completely comfortable crossing.
Our last night together did not have the glorious ending that I hoped it would have. We probably never stepped over that line together, though to casual observers, we were most certainly lovers. I will step over that line again and again in my mind on that night.
He came all too willingly up to my hotel room to say goodbye. I presented him with flowers for all that he had done for me on my trip to his city. I was so nervous that I could barely speak. I could not remember when I last shook with such an intense concoction of desire, lust, attraction, anxiety, and sheer nerves.
We hugged many times. He is tall but I am not short. My head reaches to underneath his collarbone. He held my hands. We could not look each other straight in the eye. I played with his scarf. I want to change where we went from there.
I would have come up behind him and wrapped my arms around him; the left around his middle and the right would creep up his back to his neck. I never touched his neck, his face, his hair. I would have buried my face in his back and held him tightly so he could not let go. I would touch his neck, and move up to his hair; his glorious, gorgeous blond fringy tendrils of hair. I would slowly wind my fingers around wisps of his hair until he moaned. I would touch his luscious vegan vanilla skin – so soft! He could not resist. He would turn around and finally look me in the eye steadily. And then we would kiss and fucking fireworks would go off. They already had done. Why not now?
