Three years. Three years it had been since I last saw the stunningly beautiful DA. I had just about forgotten about him. Forgotten about how much desire I had for him. How easy our conversation had come. How we could talk and flirt and laugh and dance with minimal effort but with much adoration.
On New Year’s Eve, surrounded by some of the most beautiful people, in my favorite club in the world, DA walked into the room. My heart stopped. So tall and lanky and with cheekbones that could cut paper. So striking and so gorgeous, yet so humble and quiet he is.
I gave him a big hug when all I wanted to do was smother him in kisses. I wanted to show him how much I had missed him and how I will always desire him. We danced and talked throughout the night. He stayed close to me for the entire evening. We stole moments outside away from the noise and the crowd. Lots of new things have happened in his life since we were last in contact with one another. I asked him if he was happy. He said not exactly, but that he hoped to get there soon. I sort of wished he had asked me the same. I would have said that I was at that moment.
I can’t help but fantasize about what a great partnership we would make. Yes, I have lustful thoughts about a lot of people. But my feelings for DA go well beyond lust and have sustained their strength for many years apart. I play the “what if” game. There are so many obstacles in our lives. Yet I truly hope that one day DA and I will get a chance to try each other out. And not just with a stolen kiss. I want to hold hands and walk through the romantic cobble stone streets of life together.
After an overnight flight where everything went wrong, the only thing that kept me sane was knowing that KJ would be the one to greet me to let me into my holiday accomodation. When I saw him walking up the street, I ran with such joy to give him a hug. He told me I looked beautiful; that I was really working the snow bunny look. We had a full afternoon of flirtatious (but fairly safe in the presence of my partner!) conversation even though I was so exhausted I could barely make sense of what was in front of me.
With only two days left in the same glorious city together, we made plans to be tourists on those days.
The next day’s plans came apart as he was ill. It was a shame as I would have had him completely and utterly to myself as my partner was waiting at our accomodation for our luggage. KJ promised to meet up the next day; his last full day in town before taking off to even further away.
That night, he emailed me to tell me that his girlfriend had banned him from heading outside on his last full day in town. I read this email and held back tears. I did not respond. The next morning, he texted me to tell me to say the same words and that he was feeling much better. I did not respond. Too many other things were going awry on my holiday. All I wanted to do was spend time with him in this most beautiful, romantic city.
Utterly heartbroken at first, my melancholy turned to disdain over my holiday. Letting somebody else make decisions for you; not doing what you want to do; sitting idly by while someone else plays boss: what a turn off.
KJ expressed sadness at not seeing me more during this trip, but vowed that we would see each other again. I’m not so sure. I have no reason to go where he lives, and he has only slightly more impetus to visit where I live. The possibility of seeing one another, particularly under such extraordinary circumstances, is quite low. And even if such a time comes again, it won’t be any time soon.
