I live for my dreams (both daydreams and those that happen while I slumber) and for fantasies. Sometimes they are the only things that help me retain a shred of optimism.
A few weeks ago I had a very Atonement-like dream about DA and I. I was wearing a long, elegant satin gown and waiting in a darkened room that was outfitted with worn oak wood. Wood booths, wood countertops, wood wall partitions. The room was hazy with wine, smoke, and romance. I was alone at the bar with a rich glass of wine. Maybe I was waiting for someone, waiting for him, or maybe I was just looking for a scandalous liaison.
No matter because soon DA came into the room, jaw-droppingly gorgeous in a crisp, fitted tuxedo, all long lines and elegant gait. He grabbed me by the hand and off we went scurrying through hallways and door frames and stairways until we got to what looked like private telephone booths with doors that locked behind you. He took me into one of those dim, cramped booths and kissed me passionately, much like James McAvoy and Keira Knightley do in that scene where they finally unleash their passion for one another in the library.
It was a glorious, heart-pounding rush of excitement, but the dream ended too soon.
In the meantime, DA writes me teasing, knowing things like, “If there is somebody who will appreciate [this band] in the same way that I do, I believe that you could be the one” and a subject line of “What can not be, but is.” Does he realize how loaded that phrase is? And if so, did he choose it purposely? Oh oh oh, will I ever know?
Three years. Three years it had been since I last saw the stunningly beautiful DA. I had just about forgotten about him. Forgotten about how much desire I had for him. How easy our conversation had come. How we could talk and flirt and laugh and dance with minimal effort but with much adoration.
On New Year’s Eve, surrounded by some of the most beautiful people, in my favorite club in the world, DA walked into the room. My heart stopped. So tall and lanky and with cheekbones that could cut paper. So striking and so gorgeous, yet so humble and quiet he is.
I gave him a big hug when all I wanted to do was smother him in kisses. I wanted to show him how much I had missed him and how I will always desire him. We danced and talked throughout the night. He stayed close to me for the entire evening. We stole moments outside away from the noise and the crowd. Lots of new things have happened in his life since we were last in contact with one another. I asked him if he was happy. He said not exactly, but that he hoped to get there soon. I sort of wished he had asked me the same. I would have said that I was at that moment.
I can’t help but fantasize about what a great partnership we would make. Yes, I have lustful thoughts about a lot of people. But my feelings for DA go well beyond lust and have sustained their strength for many years apart. I play the “what if” game. There are so many obstacles in our lives. Yet I truly hope that one day DA and I will get a chance to try each other out. And not just with a stolen kiss. I want to hold hands and walk through the romantic cobble stone streets of life together.
